Behind the Scenes
Played by: Justin Long
Ensign Red Shirt
"Oh god! The pain!"--Red Shirt... just in general.
Red Shirt is a stereotypical anonymous ensign who attracts accidents and mishaps wherever he goes. He is kind and gentle and extremely naive. He expects the best from people and tries to put his best forward at any given time. He seems to attract trouble, however, and though he has died on many occasions, Dr. Reines manages to put him back together with relative ease. It has been revealed that his bloodline contains humans of exceptional abilities which may account for his ability to survive and horrible things that have happened to him. He is a prophesied "Chosen One" of the Cryptlons.
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Born to Harold and Winifred Shirt on the human inhabited side of Braxis Red Job Shirt appeared to be the kind of child who could blend into a crowd. However one trait made him stand out prominently. Even as a child Red was clumsy or accident prone. His parents nearly went broke attempting to pay hospital bills for their constantly injured son. It was only through an accident which left their home a smoking crater that Extreme Makeover: House Edition intervened and in addition to rebuilding their house and "childproofing" it they also covered Red's medical expenses until he was 18. Though it allowed Red's family to get back on their feet financially it left them with the concern as to how they might pay for Red's college and his medical expenses after he turned 18. Red had very few childhood friends, as most children were afraid to go near him, as one of his disasters might cause them to become "collateral damage." What the children didn't realize is that Red appeared to have then amazing ability to absorb all of the damage caused by an event, he was no merely clumsy or accident prone, he seemed to attract accidents so severely that they did not effect anyone near him. At his senior prom, to which he went dateless Red was able to save all of his fellow classmates by taking the entirety of laser fire from Braxian rebels intent on disrupting the event. He was hailed as a hero and crowned prom king.
Here is an example of the impressive ability of Red of protecting companions: even if he does not appear in the strip he attires the laser to himself saving Marty life.
When Red turned 18 his parents decided the only reasonable course of action was to enroll Red in the Alliance Naval Academy as the Navy would provide all the health care Red needed and it would simple cost the taxpayers. Incidentally that was the year that Alliance Sales Tax rose to a record 13%. In the Alliance Red made many new "friends" after often saving lives on the battlefield however most of those "friends" only cared about him in his human shield capacity. It was not until he joined with a band of misfits on board the Muffin that he found any true friends.
Red is kind and gentle and eager to help and takes heart in the fact that no matter how much damage is done to him he is helping those around them by absorbing pain and suffering. He does not lament his existence, but does not enjoy the pain. It is said that cats have nine lives. Ensign Shirt is rumored to have the molecular makeup of several million cats.
Red Shirt is a descendant of a 20th century cheerleader and advanced human named Redwina Shirt.
- If you can't figure out what Red is based on, you're really not watching enough science fiction.
- (2002-08-29) Hit by a random lazer fire come out from nowhere;
- (2002-08-02) Hit by an heavy piece of metal accidentally dropped by Shauna;
- (2002-09-19) Eaten by Gary;
- (2002-09-25) Lost his arm because Marty improperly used the lightsaber and hit him;
- (2002-10-31) Suffered an useless electroshock administered by Alice;
- (2002-11-11) Hit by a phaser laser. Marty offended a Synary that shot him. But Red attracted the hit.
- (2002-11-12) Hit again in the same way: the power Red shows to attract the hit, and protect Marty, is even stronger;
- (2002-11-27) Eaten again by Gary;
- (2003-01-14) Falls into a break of the space-time continuum;
- (2003-02-28) Suffered food poisoning;
- (2003-03-19) Squashed by an elephant (implied) and eaten by a giant snake;
- (2003-04-15) Crossed through by a Lenseflarian;
- (2003-06-18) Hurt by a carnivorous plant.
- (2003-11-25) Suffered a full body cavity search;
- (2004-01-05) Eaten whole (he survived) by a large beast: the Ambassador Guta's bodyguard;
- (2004-01-08) Lost an arm: Marty killed the Guta's bodyguard and freed Red, but in the operation he cut Red's arm.
- (2004-01-26) Shaved his face away with an over-sharp razor;
- (2004-01-27) Crushed by a trasmogrified object fallen from a plane overhead bin;
- (2004-03-07) Melted his face away with an acid;
- (2004-06-28) Unexpectedly discovered Jeff the Ninja that cut Red's arm to cover his withdraw;
- (2004-08-25) Hit by a laser coming out from nowhere.
- (2004-07-09) Lost his arm while practising the use of lightsaber.
- (2004-12-29) Chest exploded and a xenomorph came out;
- (2005-05-04) Taken by Death by Random Yet Extremely Predicable Accident;
- (2005-05-10) Shoot in the torso by an alien device;
- (2005-06-20) Stricken down by a force lighting thrown in a totally different direction;
- (2005-08-25) Found dead at the Lego Star Galactica third anniversary party;
- (2005-09-05) Cut in half by a lightsaber;
- (2005-09-06) Attacked by a bloodthirsty monkey;
- (2005-09-10) Hit in the head by Belinda probably with an heavy stick;
- (2005-09-13) Electrocuted and burned;
- (2005-09-16) Beaten in various ways while practising dance.
- (2005-11-08) Vampirized;
- (2005-11-16) Got stabbed thought heart with a wooden stick;
- (2005-12-25) Locked up inside a Christmas decoration;
- (2006-04-01) Fallen while practising mountain climbing;
- (2006-05-31) Shoot down;
- (2006-08-31) Erroneously vaporized by Lightbringer;
- (2006-09-06) Attacked and probably eaten by a bunch of animated books.
- (2006-11-01) Finished under a 3000 pound bulkhead;
- (2007-02-14) Shoot repetitively by motion targeting laser turrets;
- (2007-02-20) Shoot again by another turret, shooting continues for some strips.
- No death, no maims, not even injuries!
- (2009-05-28) Badly harmed in the fight against Dart Creepius.